Of Adolescence & Adulthood June 2004 Click to view Table of Contents Click to view photo gallery Click to view cover story

Non-fiction

My Own Responsibility  By lok ee-von

Photograph by emily ding

A diatribe on the difficulty of making important decisions in life when you are on the cusp of adulthood. Your tools of defense? Imagination, individuality, and a healthy atittude to life's challenges.

When you think about it, life is pretty short. Fast forward a few years, and we’ll all be raking in the big bucks, racing super cars and flying to distant lands for gourmet lunches. (I wish!)

A few decades back, most of us were content just to sit back on our asses and docilely accept all that our teachers and parents told us. Yet, a few years down the line, rebellion was the norm and suddenly, most of what my parents told me to do seemed like rot or orders directly manufactured to contravene my own wishes.

Today, though, I sometimes wish I have more of that “attitude” coming from my parents. As I begin my first year of law school, the future seems incredibly overwhelming. darkened with the uncertainties of what tomorrow may bring. Although I have learnt that my parents are certainly not all-knowing people, it gives me a peculiar sense of security to pretend that they are, which makes it all the more infuriating when they refuse to take any credit for any major life-changing decisions I make. At least when I was a kid I could complain about the things I was forced to do and even blame my parents if anything went wrong. Now, every big decision is my own, a gamble, the consequences of which may be disastrous or gratifying. However, whatever the outcome may be, I will certainly come away more enlightened, and hopefully, not more jaded.

I suppose my greatest fear is growing old. Not in the physical sense, but rather that I may someday forget how to dream, how to hope, how to make the best of everything that comes to me in life. In fact, I find it increasingly hard as this new year creeps by. Sadly, I’ve found that growing up means having to mourn the gradual loss of each cherished childhood dream one after another, preserved so carefully for years and yet so heartlessly trampled on now by reality strutting in its place, happy to find yet another goner who chooses to follow the norm and to behave as expected.

Perhaps, though, it doesn’t always have to be so. Perhaps, if I have the courage to do it, I will defy everyone’s expectations and run away to live in Shangri-La among the fresh air and evergreen trees. Yeah. And perhaps I even once had three boobs instead of two. Sometimes, I applaud the people who don’t give a rat’s ass about convention and do what they want to in life. Yet, it isn’t all so simple for most of us. Perhaps my only option for some ooo-la-la in my life from now on will be to moonlight as a lap dancer at night and earn my wages as a law-abiding nine-to-five office worker someday. Now, that would be something to look forward to.

Well, thank God for imagination. It’s my most prized possession, in line with my two best friends. You can’t beat that. You know, its quite true what they say; if you think you can, or you can’t, you’re right. So maybe the secret to a life well lived is to just struggle and sulk and fight back a little at each tough challenge, then embrace it face on, feel the adrenaline pumping when you best it, and move on.

Individuality, of course, is a must. I daresay I am the only potential lawyer in the world who would dare to imagine herself winning an Oscar or a Grammy someday, or having the brilliance of Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men, or hiking in the Hindu Kush and climbing Mount Everest someday, or... but I digress. I certainly do not appreciate the wake-up call of Time kicking me in the ass just as I am at my most complacent and most settled in. Changes are slapping me in the face everywhere I turn, all of them disagreeable at this stage. Life just seems tough, and tougher than it has ever been. Perhaps someday I will look back and laugh at the dramatics of me at my most stubborn. Hopefully when I do, I’ll still be the whimsical old me, and maybe a few of my dreams will not only have stayed with me, but some of them will also have been realised.

Well, I'm waiting.